A washed-up porn star. A deranged academic. A sentient penis. A Zeus-worshipping doomsday cultist.
Welcome to The Dick—a furious, filthy, and unexpectedly tender satire of America’s porn-sick soul.

Dirty, disturbed, weirdly moving—The Dick follows Dick Hardman, a sweet but sad ex-star of golden-age smut, and his No. 1 fan: a disgraced scholar turned blogospheric supervillain known only as Whacker.

As Whacker launches a vicious crusade against woke smut mogul Je’BillyQuis Hauteboi, he recruits Dick for a symbolic XXX showdown—pay-per-view carnage, with Hardman’s white whale of a penis, Moby, playing the reluctant hero.

Featuring steroid-crazed cage fighters, debauched action heroes, porn barons with factory-farm ethics, and crude sketches scrawled across every wrong turn, The Dick is an unholy fusion of Boogie Nights, Moby-Dick, and the Book of Revelation.

Unapologetically vulgar and intellectually fearless, The Dick is a howl from the basement of American masculinity—funny, profane, and genuinely heartbreaking.

ABOUT THE DICK

Dick (dik) n.

1: (usually vulgar) a penis

2: a mean, stupid, or annoying man

3: a detective

4: (chiefly British, informal) a fellow or chap

5: the smallest amount ("she knows dick about automotive")

6: nickname for Richard

7. surname of Moby

Verb

1: to have penetrative sexual intercourse with

Phrasal verbs

Dick around: to spend time idly; fool around

Dick up: to botch or bungle

Everyone's Asking: Who is Whacker?

A visionary genius? A pervo loser? A bigshot public intellectual writing dissident masterpieces on the sly?

Here's all we know for sure: Whacker is a horny savant leading a worldwide brotherhood of disgrunts devoted to Trumpism, lyrical phallicism, and the manly arts of masturbation. He's the author of Win like Trump: A Guide for Losers and The Many Oeuvres of Dick Hardman: A XXX Appreciation and Retrospective.

In his free time, he creates his celebrated “whackadoodles” and pursues humanitarian projects ranging from destigmatizing amagatophilia to launching bold new movements in erotic philanthropy (e.g. freeholism).”

Literary betting markets name him as the runaway favorite for the prestigious and lucrative Henning Cohen Prize.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

to have a dick is to go through life chained to a madman...

-sophocles

POPULAR ARTWORKS

Whackadoodles

A preview of Whacker's forthcoming MOMA exhibition of objects d'art visuel, which will be timed to coincide with the East Coast swing of his book tour (date TBA)